A few weeks ago Bobby and I were watching t.v. We were watching this show about this lawyer who sees things in the future. It's a pretty good show to watch. Well, one of the main characters is pregnant. She too is a lawyer and maybe just a few years older than I. I believe she is midway through her pregnancy and she and the significant other go see the OB Doc. The Doc s proceeds to tell them that her blood work shows a high level of protein, possibility of some sort of chromosome disorder, something like Down Syndrome. This gets my attention of course! In my heart and in my head I was wishing that she was carrying a baby with Down Syndrome. So, it goes on and the emotional tears and self doubt starts to happen. She and the significant other don't agree with the testing, but she needs to know. So, she goes ahead and gets it done. At the end, they are together when she gets the results. At this point, I'm keeping all my fingers crossed and holding my breath. No, it didn't happen. Her results came back and her baby does not have Down Syndrome or anything else. She is carrying a very typical growing baby and she is crying. I am crying. However, I'm pretty sure my tears were not for the same reason as hers.
See, I was just hoping that she was carrying a baby with Down Syndrome because I thought it would be so cool...no AWESOME...to finally have a show that I could identify with. I almost felt rejected, like it wasn't OK to have a baby with Down syndrome. I cried so hard. My husband hugged me, I think he knew what I wanted. I take that back, he did know what I wanted. For a few brief moments, I cried a good cry. My emotions just took over.
I truly thought I was done with the grieving. I do love my daughter. I love her tons. In fact, I often don't even think about the fact that she has Down Syndrome. I just felt rejected and it hurt.