*I rarely speak about God and my faith in my blog. But this time I will a little. God is part of my life and always will be. I also understand that there will be those who find the thought of God to be absolutely ludicrous, but I’m OK with that. For, this is the path I have chosen, and it’s been a decent one to be on.*
It’s 4:30 a.m. and I can’t go back to sleep. I had such a horrible dream. A dream that played up every negative thought that I’ve had about myself.
Here’s a recap of this dream:
The kids and I have a very rare (almost non-existent) chance to go visit my husband at the location where his submarine is docked at. I am super excited because I’m (1) Going to see my husband who I miss and (2) I get to visit a tropical island and enjoy the sand, sun and ocean in a different part of the world.
When we get there, the families who came to visit have to sit through a briefing of what we can and cannot do while visiting the island. It’s also at this time my husband introduces me to his friend. A person who he has been spending time with since our separation. This person happens to be this amazingly beautiful girl with perfect skin, hair and body. Seriously…her?
At this point, I’m starting to fall apart inside. We are told to take a seat before the briefing begins and we are sitting in the back of the room. And she suggest that we move up front, to see better. Well, the seats up front are tiny. He agrees with her and we move and I’m feeling more and more dreadful. Of course, I am now so uncomfortable because I’m forcing myself to sit in a chair that’s way too small for me.
After this, everywhere we go, she is to go with us. And I become more and more resentful. But at who? Me or him?
I drive myself crazy that I stop spending time with him altogether so he ends up spending time with her. It’s her…her…her
I am awake now and feeling like crap. As soon as I woke up I sent my husband an email, but I knew I wasn’t going to get a response, but I need confirmation now to make get rid of this dreadful feeling.
I’m realizing this dream is from a horrible seed that was planted in my head. I seed that I probably fed, watered and grew. “I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL” is the name of this seed. I am short, fat and ugly. Why would he be happy with me when he has so many other beautiful women to choose from? Why am I not happy with myself? Am I really that much of a looser? Do I really need him to make me feel better about myself?
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
What I do know, is every unwanted and ugly thought I’ve had about myself is risen back to make me feel worthless, again. Crap.
Like I said, it was a seed. This seed started to grow the minute my husband left for deployment. And it grew every day. I started to feel unsettled and irritated. What little communication we had just seem to make it worse. I started having feelings that I put away a long time ago. Why now?
Maybe, because I was never the beautiful girl or the prettiest. I was short and cute (really, who wants to be cute?). I have a sister who is absolutely gorgeous. I grew up with friends who had many boyfriends and I had none. The only people that told me I was beautiful were my parents…I mean, it’s their job.
What was always lacking was making myself feel beautiful.
Isn’t that what we all want? Just to feel beautiful?
And then, there’s trust. You have to have trust. Our sailors visit parts of the world where they get to see beautiful things and very exotic women. But I trust him. I have in the past. I have to now. It’s just when you’re feeling bad about yourself is when you start to loose trust. But I trust him.
See, can you see how one tiny little seed spreads like an ugly weed?
Finally, I get an email…but not from him. It’s my daily devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries “My thoughts vs. God’s words”.
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10 (NKJV)
I swear, this could not have come at a more crucial time. I get it. This thief was destroying who I am and my confidence by planting this horrible seed in me. He wanted me to feel ugly and untrusting of my husband. If keep believing this, he would succeed at destroying my marriage and killing who I am meant to be. I can’t give into him, because I know it will only destroy not only me, but my family.
God sure did come at a good time.
Be committed. Matthew 5:33-37
He watches my paths and establishes my ways. Proverbs 5:21, 4:26
He will never leave me. He has plans for my life. Deuteronomy 31:6, Jeremiah 29:11
and finally my favorite: I’m wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I’m starting to see that I am beautiful.
So, for the military wives out there, have you gone through this before during a deployment? What did you do to make changes?
And for the non military wives, what ugly seeds have been planted that just threw you off the path?